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When I was in my 40's, way back in 1999, I moved to Mexico intending to retire there forever. I didn't know a soul there. I had a bunch of my stuff shipped and rented a little house in a Mexican neighborhood, and even though I did know a lot of Spanish words, I was nowhere near fluent.
Prior to that, I moved several times across the United States, not knowing anyone in the new location, and more times than not without even an interview lined up, let alone a job. And, I was not independently wealthy.
Right now, I'm preparing to move to Thailand for the rest of my life, with The Philippines as a possible second choice.
So, what kind of woman do you need to be to move by yourself not only across the country, not knowing a soul, but even to another country, where she doesn't even know the language?
Of course, you're probably wondering why things didn't work out in Mexico. That's a separate episode in itself, but the short version is that I ran out of money before my business project panned out and I also discovered that it wasn't as safe as I had expected it to be for me, as a solo woman.
But, the subject of this episode is what kind of woman would even attempt to move alone to another country? On that, I think I do have some insights that might be helpful to other women considering retiring alone in a foreign country. Do you need to be a little crazy? Maybe just a little. But, mostly, I believe you need to have certain personality traits. I've listed five of them for you, here. And, I think you may be surprise to learn that my list is a bit different from others you may have found.
Trait #1: Love Your Own Company
Moving by yourself to another country, where you don't know a soul, definitely requires that you really love your own company. In fact, you're best off if you are the kind of woman who actually prefers to spend most of her time alone. Or, at least, be completely content with just using FaceTime to keep in touch with family and friends back home.
I'd go so far as to suggest that you should love the idea of moving across the world, in order to put lots of distance between yourself and your family and friends. And, that the notion of never having to host another Thanksgiving in your lifetime, let alone babysit for free, yet again, for your grandkids with no notice, sets you off into uncontrollable giggling.
You should also be the kind of woman who loathes small town gossip and does not relish the idea of getting involved in any more group activities that usually end up in high school drama, at our age. And you prefer to keep a friendly distance between yourself and your neighbors.
From my experience, it's wise to be slow to get involved with other expats, as it will be a very small group, worse with high school drama than any small town you may have ever lived in, especially if they are all retired without much to do. Unless you enjoy that kind of thing, you should be aware that it's much more difficult to backtrack from relationships and commitments than to never get involved in the first place.
Expats are also very transitory people. You may make a great expat friend, only to have them move to a different part of the country, or leave the country altogether. I think you really need to be the kind of resilient person who doesn't get too attached to anyone, so you are never devastated if they leave. Or, at least be fine with just keeping touch long-distance.
None of this means that you can't be a smiling, friendly person and neighbor, or maybe even get involved in some type of volunteer work. But, in my experience, if you are truly happy keeping a friendly distance from others, you will be much more content. Nobody can depend on consistently being happy and content if that happiness and contentment relies on other people or things. It's true that you really need to be happy within yourself. You can never control anything outside of your own mind. So, if your happiness lives in your own mind, you are good to go, wherever you are.
Trait #2: You Need to Have Confidence In Your Ability to Overcome Obstacles
Moving to another country by yourself means you need to be able to rely on just you in all situations. You need to be confident in your ability to be resourceful, to shift gears when plans go awry, to be able to reassess a situation and pivot.
Women do this all of the time, throughout their lives, whether it's in managing a household and kids and all of the myriad schedules, needs, illnesses, chores, etc., that go along with being the CEO of her home domain, or she has actual business experience managing an outside company. It's the same set of skills. But, I think it's really important that you are completely aware of this. That you absolutely have the ability to manage anything you are confronted with. That you can find out what you need to find out and do what you have to do.
Basically, you can't be the kind of woman who melts into a heap, crying, waiting for someone to come along and save her. Not only may there not be someone willing to save you, but you can end up a victim of someone who will recognize your weakness and take advantage of it.
You need to be strong on your own -- and know it.
Trait #3: You Need to Be Comfortable And Willing to Learn And Adapt To The Culture In Your New Country
This is a trait that comes pretty easy to me because I grew up in and have lived most of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area, where I hear languages from all over the world on a daily basis. In my apartment building alone, I'm aware of neighbors from Vietnam, China, The Philippines, Sudan, Iran, Taiwan, Afghanistan and Mexico that I can think of off the top of my head. Whenever I travel somewhere where I only hear English, I feel wrong, like I'm in an alien world.
There's a little more involved than just being comfortable around people who are speaking other languages, though, when you move to another country. You also need to be willing to learn enough about the culture you are moving to, so that you don't offend anyone or get yourself in trouble.
For instance, in Thailand, different political parties wear certain colored shirts. Unless you want to get yourself in a sticky situation, you need to learn about that and maybe give some of your old t-shirts away before you move. You can also offend someone if you point at them with one finger, or hand them something with your left hand, and you want to be sure and take your shoes off when entering someone's home or a temple.
Learning at least some of the local language will make your life much easier, too. For me, I want to at least become proficient in reading Thai, so that I can read signs that don't also include an English translation. I hope to eventually be able to speak more and more Thai, but as languages are difficult for me, I may never get fluent. But, the more you can learn, the easier your life will be in your new country.
Trait #4: You Need to Be Able to Go With The Flow
Time is looked at as much more flexible in other countries, especially in the affordable countries, like Mexico, The Philippines or Thailand. If you can adapt the attitude that everything will take twice as long as your worst case scenario, and be ready for that, you'll be much happier.
In other countries like these, showing your anger, especially in Asia, is really unacceptable. It can even get you in trouble with the police. If you can adapt to a slower way of life, and really work on your zen patience, life will go much more smoothly for you.
One of the reasons some other countries have such a slower pace of life is the weather. In Southeast Asia, for instance, it's very hot and very humid pretty much year round. Nobody wants to move quickly in 100 degrees Fahrenheit with 90% humidity. If you can become aware that those around you are also sweating and uncomfortable, yet remaining kind and patient, and be willing to learn from them and go with the flow, life will be much nicer for everyone. You aren't moving abroad to end up stressed out and frustrated every day.
A trick I use when trying to keep my cool when dealing with something frustrating now, is reminding myself that this will all be old news a year from now -- if I even remember it at all by then.
Trait #5: You Need to Be Okay With Always Being The Foreigner
In a foreign country, you will always be the foreigner, except in the small expat community from your own country. A wise woman will never expect to make great friends among the locals. And, as we can be viewed as very wealthy, it's important to be aware that new foreign friends may expect you to share your wealth, and that can get really awkward. It can also be really easy to offend someone in another culture, in ways you never knew about and never intended to do.
When I lived in Mexico, even though I felt like I understood the Mexican culture because I had many friends whose families came from Mexico, I learned that it was actually really easy to make a cultural faux pas there. I discovered that the only way to handle social situations with the locals was to never get too comfortable. Joking around the way Americans do, can be immensely offensive in Mexico. So, I ended up feeling like I was always walking on eggshells, and could never really just relax and just be me around the locals.
Of course, if you're really determined, you can learn the ins and outs of a culture, but you should still expect that you will always be considered an outsider, even if they are good, kind people.
I hope this list made you feel more confident about being the type of woman who will thrive in retirement abroad. Who knows, maybe we'll meet one day in Thailand.
I'm Kelly Portola. You can always find everything I do on HerExpatRetirement.com, where I post articles, videos and podcasts. The letters spell "her," H.E.R., Her Expat Retirement.
And should you feel so inclined, check out my YouTube channel's community tab where I post polls and other random fun stuff.
I hope to see you again real soon.
Kelly, your sincerity and important info about retirees in Thailand are a great contribution!!! I am so moved by your story and outlook!
Kelly - what happened to the YouTube channel - particularly worried as your last post was about a woman trying to scam you - next day the channel was gone and all posts deleted.